How to Establish Dominance Without Leaving the Couch
From a cat’s point of view of course…
Happy February 18th, peasants.
It is cold. It is midweek. The vibes are questionable. The emails are multiplying. And yet — we remain horizontal.
Today’s survival lesson comes from the true masters of power positioning: cats.
- You do not need to hustle harder.
- You do not need to argue louder.
- You do not even need to stand up.
You need presence. And possibly a hat.
Owned By Cats – Available ONLY on Etsy at Snarky Cat Boutique
Step 1: Claim Your Territory
A cat does not ask for the good seat.
A cat becomes the good seat.
Choose your couch corner. Arrange blanket strategically. Place beverage within reach. This is your throne now.
If someone approaches, do not move.
Adjust only enough to signal inconvenience.
Step 2: Master the Slow Blink of Judgment
Direct eye contact is effort.
The slow blink says:
“I see you. I assess you. You are mildly disappointing.”
Practice this on:
- Anyone who says “let’s circle back”
- Anyone who schedules a meeting that could have been an email
- Anyone who thinks generic cat food is acceptable
Hold gaze. Slow blink. Return to your scroll.
Step 3: Speak Only When Necessary
Cats do not overexplain.
If asked to do something unreasonable, try one of the following:
- “No.”
- A quiet sigh.
- Knocking something symbolic off a nearby table (optional but powerful).
Energy conservation is dominance.
Step 4: Dress Like You Meant It
True authority is effortless — but it still requires aesthetic commitment.
This is where your Snarky Cat uniform comes in.
A black cap with silver sass?
A mug that announces your internal monologue?
A decorative tile reminding the household who’s actually in charge?
You are not just lounging.
You are broadcasting.
Step 5: Nap Strategically
When chaos rises, withdraw.
Cats understand something humans forget:
If you are unavailable, you are unbothered.
If you are unbothered, you are powerful.
Also, naps cure 70% of modern nonsense.
Science? No.
Correct? Yes.
Final Thoughts from the Couch
Dominance is not loud.
It is not frantic.
It is not replying to group texts within 4 seconds.
It is choosing comfort.
It is choosing boundaries.
It is choosing the couch — and refusing to apologize for it.
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Snarky Cat Boutique – We put the meow in mayhem.
Ciao,
