Ah, Halloween. That magical time of year when humans lose all sense of dignity and start draping themselves in plastic capes, glitter, and things with the texture of a cheap wig found in a party store clearance bin. But you know what’s even better? When these same humans decide their cat needs to be a taco, a bat, or — and I can’t make this up — a pumpkin spice
We’re here to say what your cat can’t:
Stop it. Just. Stop.
Do Cats Even Care About Halloween?
Let’s clear this up: Cats do not know it’s Halloween. Duh.
They don’t care. Not even a little. They don’t care about your decorative gourds, your Instagram stories, or the fact that the neighborhood Karen down the street carved her jack-o’-lantern to look like Voldemort. For those of you dear readers who are not familiar with who this Voldemort dude is, he’s the main antagonist in the Harry Potter series, a Dark Wizard, if you will.
The only thing your cat is aware of is that there are suddenly a lot of strange little goblins ringing the doorbell, and that means their nap schedule is being interrupted. Add in some jarring Halloween playlists (because you insist on playing “Monster Mash” on a loop), and yeah — your cat is plotting your demise.
Why Do People Dress Up Their Cats?
Because humans are bored. That’s it. That’s the reason. You want to feel something again, and apparently that something is dressing up your furry overlord as Count Cat-ula while pretending they’re not mentally calculating how to poop in your shoe later.
“But it’s cute!” you say.
Yeah, so are newborn possums. Doesn’t mean they want to wear a bumblebee costume for TikTok.
Most cats would rather be locked in a room with a vacuum cleaner than wear a costume. The moment you strap that banana suit on them, their soul exits their body and they enter what scientists call: “What fresh hell is this?” mode.
Exceptions Exist. Barely.
Now, some cats tolerate costumes. Usually because they were born without the will to live or are just too lazy to care. To those cats, we salute you — you’re the real MVPs keeping the rest of us entertained. And let’s be honest, a cat in a wizard hat casting judgment upon the entire room? Mwoooah! (Chef’s kiss).
But for the rest? You’re trying to put a frilly tutu on a tiny, stabby, knife-footed introvert who hates you 360 days a year already.
Halloween Safety (Because despite the obvious snark, I DO care)
Fine. Here’s the PSA so no one sues us:
- Keep the candy away. Chocolate kills. So does sugar-free gum. You probably knew this, but Steve from accounting didn’t.
- Secure the door. Your cat might see the 97th ding-dong and bolt for freedom. You can’t blame them.
- No glow sticks. Cats chew. Glow stick juice is not catnip, Karen.
- Limit costume time. If your cat starts walking like it’s possessed by a demon in a straightjacket — that’s your cue to set them free.
Embrace the Madness (Or Don’t)
I’m not saying don’t dress your cat up. It’s like – to each his own man. I actually encourage your bad decisions. That’s literally my brand.
All I’m saying is: don’t expect gratitude. Your cat is tolerating your nonsense because you feed them and clean their toilet. They’re not amused. They’re not “into spooky season.”
They’re just waiting for the moment you fall asleep so they can knead your internal organs out of spite.
So this Halloween, dress them up. Take the photo. Post it. Get the likes. But when your cat stares at you from across the room with those soulless, judgmental eyes — just know:
They’ll never forget.
They’ll never forgive.
And honestly? We love that for them.
Snarky Cat Boutique – We put the meow in mayhem. And no, we don’t sell stupid taco costumes.
Want more snark delivered straight to your inbox like a cat hairball on your pillow? Sign up for our newsletter.
Ciao,
Written for The Cat Whisperer Blog by Annie St. Germain, resident Cat Whisperer and chronicler at Snarky Cat Boutique. 🐾
