The humans have decided it’s a “new year,” which apparently means rearranging the same problems into a fresh planner and calling it growth. From our perspective, nothing has changed except you’re louder about it and temporarily convinced you’ll stop eating snacks in bed.
We noticed the midnight countdown. We also noticed you woke us up for it. This has been logged. Permanently.
What Cats Are Actually Looking Forward To
We’re not manifesting. We’re monitoring.
Here’s what we expect in the coming year:
- More naps, especially on your laptop, your clean laundry, and any surface you clearly need.
- An increase in premium treats because “times are stressful” (you said it, not us).
- New merch that we ignore for exactly 48 hours before deciding they’re acceptable.
(Hint: if it comes from Snarky Cat Boutique and looks vaguely sarcastic, we’ll respect it sooner.) - You giving up your resolutions, freeing up emotional bandwidth for more petting.
Also, let’s address the economy: if you’re tightening your budget, perhaps stop buying planners and start investing in things that actually matter—like cat-themed goodies that publicly announces your loyalty. You know. For morale.
Valentine’s Day: A Holiday That Is Not About You (But You’ll Pretend It Is)
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and once again humans will confuse love with clutter.
There will be flowers (illegal snacks), chocolate (rude-smelling, non-shareable), and candles (suspicious fire). Meanwhile, we will be expected to “move” so you can have a romantic moment. No.
If you insist on celebrating love, may we suggest honoring the relationship that actually shows up every day? The one that screams at you until you feed it. The one that stares unblinkingly into your soul while you cry-watch television.
This is also an excellent time to gift yourself something tasteful, cozy, and cat-centric—perhaps a snarky tote or mug that lets the world know you’re spoken for, and that someone sheds on everything you own.
A Gentle Reminder as the Year Stumbles Forward
As you move into the new year, chasing goals and “self-improvement,” remember that cats perfected existence thousands of years ago:
- Eat when food appears.
- Sleep whenever possible.
- Demand affection, then reject it.
- Maintain eye contact while pushing things off tables.
If you’re looking for guidance this year, look down. We’re already judging you—and honestly, we have great taste.
Happy Meowingtine’s Day Humans.
Now open the treat drawer.
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Snarky Cat Boutique – We put the meow in mayhem.
Ciao,
