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Mika & Koji - The St. Germain Kitties
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Where whiskers meet mischief.
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Curated chaos, cat-approved.
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Breaking News: The Humans Are Not Okay
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- filed by Mika & Koji , on behalf of the Feline Community
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We would first like to acknowledge the rare and questionable decision made by our human (hereafter referred to as “MaMa”) to hand over control of this month’s Newsletter.
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Frankly, we’re not sure what she was thinking.
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However, after careful consideration—and a brief interruption involving a red dot that absolutely required our attention—we have agreed to take on this responsibility in the interest of feline public service.
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We have spent the past month observing their behavior. Closely. Critically. From elevated surfaces.
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And what we have witnessed is… concerning.
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There has been excessive screen staring.
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Unnecessary stress over things that could easily be ignored. And a deeply troubling increase in what can only be described as “organized chaos” (MaMa insists on calling this “spring cleaning,” but we see through the lies).
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Mika (Tortie, Supervisor of All Things Questionable) would like it noted that:
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“If it was on the table before, it belonged on the table. Moving it was a mistake.”
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Koji (Black, White-Spotted Gentleman, Head of Nighttime Operations) has expressed additional concerns regarding:
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“The unacceptable delay in breakfast service. On multiple occasions.”
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Naturally, as responsible members of the feline community, we could not stand by and do nothing.
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So, for the remainder of this report, we will be outlining:
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- The most alarming human behaviors observed in April
- Our professional (and correct) feline assessments
- And what you, as a human, can do to improve your performance moving forward
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Junior Editors In Training, Mika and Koji
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The Snarkiest Of Cats đ
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The Scratching Post Press
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Follow Us!
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Top Human Infractions
Compiled by Mika & Koji, who saw everything... unfortunately
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After a full month of surveillance (and several forced naps we did not consent to), we have identified the most pressing issues currently plaguing humanity.
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1. The "I'll Just Sit for a Minute" Incident
This is perhaps the most widespread problem.
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Humans sit down “for a minute”… and then do not move for hours.
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- Stare at glowing rectangles (the TV)
- Ignore perfectly available cats (us'ins)
- Fail to provide snacks in a timely manner (disgraceful)
Mika would like to clarify:
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“If you are sitting, you are available. This is not complicated.”
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2. Spring Cleaning (A Crime Against Comfort)
We were led to believe our homes were properly arranged.
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Items removed. Blankets folded. Favorite spots disrupted.
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Koji has issued a formal complaint:
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“I had a system. It involved that pile. The pile is now gone. Explain yourself.”
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We are currently monitoring this situation closely.
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3. The Sewing Interference Problem
We understand that Mom believes she is “working.”
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However, from our professional standpoint, what she is actually doing is:
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- Moving fabric around unnecessarily
- Ignoring supervisory input
- Attempting to use tools that clearly belong to us
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Mika (Head of Quality Control) states:
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“If I am sitting on the fabric, it has passed inspection. Proceed accordingly.”
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Koji (Thread Management Specialist) adds:
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“The string is not ‘thread.’ The string is mine.”
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Despite these challenges, we will admit… some of the final products meet our standards.
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(We do not say this lightly.)
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4. Inconsistent Meal Scheduling
Let us be absolutely clear.
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Breakfast time is not a suggestion.
Dinner time is not flexible.
Snacks are not optional.
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And yet… delays continue.
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Koji, who has taken this particularly personally, reports:
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“I have had to remind her. Repeatedly. Loudly. At 3am.”
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We assume this is a training issue.
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5. Emotional Overcomplication
Humans have developed a habit of making things… harder than necessary.
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Overthinking. Over-planning. Over-stressing.
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Meanwhile, the correct approach is obvious:
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- Find a sunny spot
- Take a nap
- Ignore unnecessary nonsense
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“You could simply not do all that.”
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Humans remain highly trainable… but progress is slow.
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We will continue our observations and provide further guidance as needed.
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In the meantime, if you are looking for items that have been thoroughly inspected, sat on, and reluctantly approved by feline authorities…
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Mom has managed to produce a few acceptable pieces.
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Proceed wisely. We'll be watching.
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Until next month,
Mika & Koji
Representing the Feline Community
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Spring has sprung—and so has the attitude. Step into Snarky Cat Boutique, where everything is equal parts cute, clever, and just a little bit unhinged.
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You’ve got stuff. Tiny stuff. Important stuff - like kitty treats and Chapstick :-) This pouch is here to keep it together—literally.
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Each one is handmade (in small batches) using 100% quilting cotton and fully lined, so your things aren’t just floating around in fabric limbo. It snaps shut with a clean little click (very satisfying, 10/10 recommend).
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$15.19 (20% Off)
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Give your cat a little personality boost (because clearly they don’t have enough already).
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These handmade snap-on bandana collars are designed for comfort, durability, and maximum cuteness. Each one features high-quality quilting cotton fabric with bold, cat-centric prints that range from sweet to slightly sassy—just like your feline.
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$14.40 (20% Off)
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Oh, you thought you needed just one cat? Bold of you. This pouch said “nah” and invited the entire judgmental feline committee.
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Loud, colorful, and absolutely convinced it runs your life now—perfect for stashing your stuff while being silently judged by 47 tiny cat faces.
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$15.19 (20% Off)
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The Latest from The Cat Whisperer Blog
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Tiny Things Keeping Us Sane Right Now
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Thereâs a very specific kind of exhaustion floating around lately. Not just âI need a napâ exhaustion. More like: âI have seventeen tabs open in my brain, the economy is weird, my to-do list is judging me, and if one more thing breaks in this house I may dissolve into glitter and cat hair.â That kind of exhaustion. And yet …
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Democracy, Dinner Bowls & Dangerous Hairballs
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From the Editor's Desk Every week, I sit down at my keyboard with a cup of coffee and the noble intention of writing something sensible about cats, creativity, or life in general. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective), I share my office with two feline political analystsâMika the Tortie Weenie Queenie and Koji, Chief Inspector of Household Affairsâwho insist …
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From the Editor-in-Chief (a.k.a. The One Who Pays the Bills)
Because credit will be given... when earned
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Well… I’m not entirely sure handing over the Newsletter to two cats was my best decision—but here we are.
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I will say this: Mika and Koji took their roles *very* seriously. Possibly too seriously. There were multiple “editorial meetings” (held on top of my fabric), several enforced breaks (for them, not me), and at least one incident involving a missing pen that I’m still not convinced wasn’t intentional.
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That said… they’re not wrong.
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As much as I’d like to defend all of us humans, I can’t argue with most of their findings. The chaos, the overthinking, the constant busyness—we do tend to make things harder than they need to be. Meanwhile, these two have mastered the fine art of living well: nap often, demand what you need, and don’t apologize for taking up space.
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So yes—full credit where it’s due.
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Mika, for her unwavering commitment to “quality control” (especially when it involves sitting directly on whatever I’m working on)…
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And Koji, for his dedication to nighttime supervision and his very vocal stance on timely meals.
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They’ve made it clear they’d be more than happy to take over again next month. I’ll… consider it.
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In the meantime, thank you for being here, for reading, and for supporting what I do—even when it’s clearly being run (and judged) by cats.
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Until next time—
Stay a little less chaotic, a little more cat-like… and maybe don’t move that pile.
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— The Scratching Post Press đź
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The Scratching Post Press at Snarky Cat Boutique
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